Another Day to be Lived

Another day to be lived. Those were my exact words this morning. Hardly motivational but reflective of my current mood.

The novelty of lockdown has well and truly disappeared. As an introvert, I embraced social isolation with open arms.  I loved what it entailed: staying home, crossing the road to avoid people, enforced pottering around the house. The unexpected sunny weather mirrored my bright mood. Like the character of Cottard in La Peste, I welcomed lockdown because it put me on a level pegging with everyone else. I was no longer shy, reserved, anti-social, even ignorant. I was merely doing what we all had to do to keep each other safe.

So the first few weeks were, strangely for my crazy household, happily harmonious.  The kids hadn’t descended into their nocturnal sleep patterns. Joel and Abigail would take turns to accompany me on dog walks, providing material for my blog. As someone who has pretty much shunned the idea of keeping fit her entire adult life, I actually enjoyed two hours of exercise due to having to first walk a leashed Frankie to somewhere where he could then be set free. Luckily no one was around to issue tickets for exceeding the allotted time of one hour or no nosey neighbours had been recording my clocking in and clocking out times.

All of life’s daily stresses disappeared: morning alarms, ironing uniforms at the last minute, rushing to catch school buses, dashing to dancing and football, trying to split myself in three. Instead of throwing a ready meal in the oven, we made pastry from scratch for a cheese flan. Instead of grabbing biscuits from the cupboard, we baked simple fairy cakes. Instead of screaming at someone to get ready for some activity, we relaxed without feeling guilty. 

However, suddenly and without warning, a darkness has descended. As the plague leaves his hometown, Cottard can’t cope and goes mad. And, as lockdown is eased, I am feeling the same. Dog walks have become mundane. Home schooling is fraught when it takes place as I barely see my children during daylight hours! Even when we do attempt to complete online learning, I feel torn that I should be prioritising my own Year 7 students who maybe need me more. Microwaveable meals have made a reappearance in the fridge. Maybe, it is the possible return to a previous stressed status quo that I am resenting. However, the media talks now of a new ‘normal’ – maybe the fact I don’t know what this new normal will entail is what troubles me. I am a creature of habit and I don’t know yet what my new habits will be.

It is all too easy to identify what makes you happy but it can be infuriating to pinpoint what makes you sad. As K.D. Lang sings in ‘Outside Myself’, one of my favourite songs, ‘something in me…veils my vision, leaves my thoughts unclear.” Hopefully this mist will clear soon and I’ll be able to adapt to whatever it reveals. Until then, more days will just have to be lived.

When I finally realised I was an introvert – I am who I am

6 comments

  1. I’m kind of clinging to lockdown too. We’re not letting our pair back to school til September, I’m going to miss them when the house is quiet and empty again. I’m more worried about the new normal and its vagueness than I was about lockdown before it started. I guess we’ll all adjust to whatever is to come eventually, but it’s going to be very weird in the meantime.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Honestly, if I could live like this forever I probably would! I am so anxious about what is to come and being a total introvert I’m dreading everyone wanting to see me. Humans are designed to adjust though, so we’ll be fine eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. When the lockdown started, I was scared of the new normal. What does this mean? Are our lives changing forever? I always asked myself these questions but now more than 2.5 months later, honestly i’m scared of that and also of the virus. Our country has 240k cases and is now the 6th most affected in the world and we have no lockdown in place anymore.

    So now I’m struggling between a life with lockdown and no lockdown. It’s crazy how it has affected all of our lives. I hope you feel better Lindsay, we are strong and in it together *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand how you feel, especially when thinking about your students. I have to isolate so can’t be there for my Y10s when they go back.
    That said, I’ve gotten into a bit of a routine in lockdown so I’m keeping busy and mostly staving off the guilt.
    I’m fairly anxious about what awaits when some kind of normality returns, so I think I’ll be fine with lockdown for a while yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Introvert here, too, but I feel like the lockdown does things on our nerves. I normally like the peace and quiet, but there are nights when I’m not able to sleep well and I suddenly wake up, and even if I work hard to focus on some things, they don’t go the way I want them to. So I guess the best we can do is to hang on to take one step at a time until things stabilise.

    Liked by 1 person

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