(Though nobody actually has it.)

05:13 Lindsay hears Abigail and Joel. They appear to be in kahoots. Only her children could manage to get along at such stupid times in the morning. Hang on! Have they even been to bed?

08:01 Lindsay finds Ian asleep on the sofa.

“Did you fall asleep watching TV?”

“No. Have you smelt yourself?”

08:09 Frankie is a bit too excited to see Lindsay. He knocks her flying and shows off his red lipstick.

09:48 Lindsay is wondering if any MPs used to be teachers so they might make a better Education Secretary than Gavin Williamson. Or is the only requirement to be an arse?

09:59 Lindsay is tired of Frankie barking at her because she can’t cross a beck as quickly as him. She would like to see him successfully teach a class of 20+ kids. To be fair, Lindsay would like to see herself do that too.

11:28 Lindsay is talking to Ian about the walk.

“How do you get paths in woods? How do people know which way to walk?”

“You asked me that the other day and I was bored by it then too.”

11:32 Ian tells Lindsay he’s sent his bike to be fixed. He’ll start going out on it next week.

“Really? For hours at a time.”

“Well…”

“No. It was a statement, not a question. Hours at a time. I insist.”

11:34 Facebook keeps suggesting events Lindsay might like. Dog shows, quiz nights and vodka festivals. No family events at all.

12:45 Lindsay decides she’s going to suggest 5 alternative steps before it’s safe enough for her to return to work.

1. She must remember the way to work.

2. She must remember how to hold her bladder for 8 hours.

3. She must remember how to survive on one bag of crisps all day.

4. She must remember to stop rolling her eyes in front of children.

5. She must remember to stop muttering swear words under her breath. Or out loud.

13:48 Lindsay is listening to Ian who is talking to a friend. Between them, they have well and truly dispelled the myth that only women gossip.

15:19 Ian’s spending the afternoon superimposing pictures of friends onto movie posters for a quiz.

“You’re really good at that.”

“You don’t think I spend my days actually driving trains do you?”

15:27 Lindsay heads to bed to sleep. Read, she means read!

17:01 Lindsay gets a suspicious phone call from a man who starts off English then suddenly remembers he’s meant it be Indian or something. Apparently he’s from Amazon and her Prime membership needs to be renewed.

“Oh OK. So I’m guessing you want me to hand over my bank details?”

“Yes please Madam. Which bank are you with?”

“The Midland.”

“Ok. And the sort code?”

“53-20-08” (It’s boozes upside down on a calculator. No wonder Lindsay only scraped a GCSE.”

“And the account number?”

“Cinq, neuf, un, trois, dix, quatre, huit, trois.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”

“Well you’re pretending to be Indian so I was pretending to be French. Au revoir!”

17:58 It appears Lindsay and Dominos are now on first name terms.

18:09 Lindsay prepares for another quiz night. She’ll be able to beat the Chaser the amount of useless information she learnt in the last 9 weeks.

Read what very little happened yesterday on Day 66