(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:01 Lindsay’s checking the bank account but she still hasn’t got the hang of bifocals. It looks like there is an option to transfer your penis. She hasn’t got one. Nor a decent pension.

9:31 Lindsay spots an unread email from Keswick School. The dreaded weekly bulletin detailing student success. She’s not gonna upset herself by reading it. She’s gonna write her own.

Joel Stevenson has succeeded in being graded ‘unteachable’. His stand out work this week has been Creative Writing (his excuses for not being able to complete any work exemplify a vivid imagination) and Maths (his addition skills are precise as he has a very accurate running total of the work he needs to hand in.)

Sam has succeeded in being graded as ‘untraceable’. His outstanding work has included Statistics (he’s handy to have around for the sports round in online quizzes) and Core Strength (his ability to sit on his gaming chair for hours in the same position shows great stamina.)

Abigail has succeeded in being graded ‘intolerable’. Her highlights have been Computer Science (her village on Roblox is thriving) and PSHE (she is very welcoming of all new villagers on Roblox.)

12:17 Lindsay has a conversation with herself. Ian is there but she’s getting carried away and he’s just leaving her to it.

14:02 Lindsay suffers constant disappointment. Not that there’s no fence paint in any of the shops they’re trying. That she’s wasted two hours of her life in Ian’s company.

14:13 Lindsay and Ian are driving home.

“Look at the gorgeous lambs in the field.”

“What do you want for tea tonight Linz?”

“Lamb doner meat!”

“You’re vegetarian.”

14:42 Lindsay asks for recommendations for someone to lay a patio. It’s not needed for a seating area. Lindsay is just getting organised in case ‘something’ happens to Ian.

14:46 Ian asks Lindsay which hammer she prefers. Normal or mallet.

“Why?”

“No reason.”

Things seem to be taking a sinister turn in the Stevenson house.

16:23 Lindsay asks for takeaway orders. Joel is perplexed.

“Why are we getting takeaway again?”

“Because we’re celebrating my main man’s birthday.”

“It’s not dad’s birthday.”

“I know. It’s Billy Joel’s.”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 52