(Though nobody actually has it.)
07:05 Lindsay is determined she is not going to waste another day. Now is the time to get things done.
09: 22 Lindsay finishes another episode of Friday Night Dinner. Well, make that series 4.
09:30 Frankie takes Lindsay on her daily walk.
09:35 Frankie isn’t impressed when Lindsay throws a recently filled poo bag at his head instead of the treat which was in her other hand. Luckily she wasn’t using the cheap, nasty ones from yesterday.
09:40 Lindsay diagnoses herself with shin splints. She’s not sure what they are but her athletic friends at secondary school used to complain about them so she’ll go with that. Two days of lead walks and her legs are knackered.
10:37 Frankie whacks Lindsay’s already sore leg with a log on revenge for launching poo at his head.
10:48 Lindsay laughs hysterically as Frankie walks headfirst into a tree. Karma for clouting her with a log. Well, stick.
10:59 Lindsay annoys Frankie by standing stationary and gazing at a gorgeous pheasant in front of them. Turns out it’s a mossy log with a bin liner wrapped round it.
11:04 Frankie sprays Lindsay with the muddy water he’s just stood in as revenge for the poo bag incident and mocking of head injury.
11:05 Lindsay starts to wonder if her and Frankie are developing a slightly dysfunctional relationship on a par with Tom and Jerry.
11:24 Lindsay’s impressed by how much she’s achieved this morning. Dog walked, washing done, showered and dressed. Shit! She still hasn’t changed the bloody clocks. Make that 12:24.
12:30 Delia/ Lindsay decides today’s culinary masterclass will be hash browns. Abigail says they’ll be cordon bleu chefs at this rate. Lindsay laughs in her face.
12:32 Within seconds of starting to grate the onion, Abigail dashes upstairs to adopt the Jackie Onassis look (large sunglasses, not a pink suit splattered with brain matter) and declares she can’t possibly do any more.
12:33 Lindsay realises they haven’t enough eggs and sends Ian out on a wild goose chase. Actually, they do have enough; she just needs shot of him for longer than five minutes.
12:56 Ian arrives back with supplies and comments on the hash browns.
“The potato fritters look good.”
“They’re hash browns.”
“What’s the difference?”
13:14 Abigail takes one look at the food her mother has just cooked and runs upstairs quicker than Jackie O jumping on the back of the presidential car.
13:19 The votes have been counted and verified.
Ian: You know what this needs? Onion.
Joel: Mam, there’s way too much onion in this. My breath is gonna stink.
Lindsay: The onion stench might mask the fact you haven’t cleaned your teeth for a week.
15:20 Still no official sightings of Sam.
15:31 Ian retreats to the garage, muttering that he wants Brexit back.
15:48 Sam is spotted in the kitchen but no verbal contact is made.
16:05 Communication is reinstated with Sam. He needs underpants.
16:12 Lindsay‘s cunning plan is working. She’s cleaned the conservatory/kitchen/hallway floor so the kids can’t come downstairs and Ian can’t come in from the garage.
16:15 Lindsay regrets cunning plan as all it’s done is highlight the month’s worth of dirt on the windowsills, doors and skirting boards.
18:25 Lindsay has a date later with her dad on FaceTime. She dashes to sort her hair out and put a bit of foundation on. And take off the 20 year old cardigan she has been wearing for a week whilst using it as a dishcloth, duster and tea towel.
19:00 Lindsay awaits her parents being successful with technology and looks forward to staring at their chins for the next half an hour.
Read what happened yesterday on Day 12