The Diary of Frankie Fruit Loop

02:54 Really want a bum scratch but the two leggers are still being held hostage upstairs by duvet thingys.

03:57 Sense human movement and dash upstairs. Jump on the lady one. She mutters something. It sounds like duck but I see no ducks anywhere! But I get excited about the possibility of going to see some ducks so I wag my tail in lady one’s face. So she keeps on saying duck so I keep on getting excited. But then it sounds like she calls me fat so I am offended and go back downstairs.

06:36 Lady human emerges downstairs. She looks angry. I don’t understand. I know I’ve just launched an invisible gas cloud of mass destruction but that was in the living room and she’s in the kitchen. She keeps muttering the word ‘teaching’. Maybe that’s something to do with why she’s angry.

06:42 I sit and wait for a treat as lady human makes the black thing whistle then pours steam into a cup. I don’t take my eyes off her. I am willing her to feed me. I watch as she puts lots of white powder in the cup. She then goes to the fridge. Finally. Sausages! Doggie telepathy at its finest. But she fetches out the stupid cat drink. I watch as she adds more white powder into her drink. Either she has child inflicted amnesia or she really needs some kind of chemical induced adrenaline rush today. And she still needs to get me some sausages.

07:01 Silly lady human has forgotten to switch off her alarm and dashes upstairs before it wakes up man human. I dash upstairs too and also help the alarm to wake man human up. Man is cross with lady. Man is cross with me. We retreat downstairs. Lady gives me sausage and tells me I’m a good boy. I’ll go and wake him up again in a bit if it means more sausages.

07:46 Four of my humans trudge miserably out of the house. They do this five times a week. Humans are quite stupid. Why don’t they stay at home to bark at cats or lick their privates?

09:12 Lazy man human finally takes me for a walk. He’s not happy. Man human is shouting at me because I don’t fetch the ball back right to his feet and he has to keep walking in the opposite direction to retrieve it. I think you’ll find there’s nothing wrong with my BMI mate. I’m doing you a favour, making you do some exercise.

09:16 Meet another dog. Have to go through the motions and sniff their bottom. I find it quite degrading to tell the truth. But the alternative is to be disowned by all my fellow doggos and live on the outskirts of canine society.

09:23 We meet a cute little Chihuahua bitch. She smells nice. In fact, she smells hot! I’m right because her lady owner says something about heat and I can’t stop shaking and getting excited. Man human mutters something about there being Chingers or Spuahas over his dead body. I don’t want those funny named things. I just want to show this lady dog how friendly I can be.

12:02 Man human serves up some usual tripe for lunch. As in, actual tripe.

14:56 I get excited because lady human arrives home. She goes straight upstairs and I’m thinking she’s getting changed to take me for walkies. She is getting changed! But then she puts on that horrendous Etam cardigan bought in 1998 which doubles up as an oven glove and duster and I know there’s no way I’m going for a walk. I will not be seen in public with my lady human wearing that monstrosity.

16:12 Most of the humans arrive back. I refuse to greet them. Left me yet again, all alone, to protect the house from evil felines and strange hands pushing suspicious packages through the letterbox. And do they ever thank me with a lengthy belly rub? No. So I’m not going to give them the time of day either. Any of them. Ever.

16:13 Sausage? Ok! I come! I love you!

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