As explained by J.W. Stevenson
“Joel! Have you done any revision today?!”
“Yes. I’ve done Elizabeth I actually.”
“Go on then. Tell me about her reign.”
I’ll probably be asked about Kenilworth Castle so I’ll start there. So, there was this gaff called Kenilworth Castle. It was a castle. A nice one. Scrap people had it. You know, people who liked fights. So, there was this donny called Dudley. Robert Dudley. He was Earl of…..Earl of….Earl of Somewhere and he proper fancied Elizabeth so he pimped up Kenilworth Castle to impress but she wasn’t having any of it and sacked him off and Dudley just kinda accepted that. There were some other donny who tried it on. The Earl of Essex. Lizzie had sent him to fight the Irish which he did but then he ended up liking the Irish but he didn’t tell her that. He really liked her. He went to see her and said ‘be my bird yeah’ but she wasn’t having it so he called her butters and pulled her wig off. Lizzie wasn’t happy so she put him under house arrest. He got some of his homies to come round and was planning something but I can’t remember what it was so she chopped his head off.
Then there was Adam Campion. No, that’s my Maths teacher. Who was it? Edward? Eddie? Edison? Edmund Campion. He was Italian. No, wait, the Pope sent him. So the Pope’s Italian. So Edmund was sent. I can’t remember what he was sent for now. Edmund got some Catholic boys from France and Spain. What did he do with them? Can’t remember. It didn’t end well, I know that.
Philip of Spain thought about marrying her but the whole religion thing got in the way and she wasn’t fussed. Actually, Philip ended up getting right fed up of Lizzie. There was this northern rebellion. It was in the north I think and Philip decided to join them because he’d had enough of this Protestant woman. But Elizabeth just sorted them right out. Then there was the Armada by the way. Philip was well triggered. Queenie asked Francis and Walter to pilot the ships and they said ‘sound mush’. We battered them.
Then there’s Mary from Scotland. She killed her own husband then had to run away. But Lizzie stuck her in Carlisle Castle for 19 years then eventually got round to killing her too. And that’s about it.
“Wow. The whole Elizabethan Era just like that!”
“Oh. I forgot. She died.”
gaff – place, dwelling
donny – man
pimped up – made home improvements
sacked him off – stopped showing an interest in
bird – girlfriend, partner
butters – ugly
homies – friends
triggered – angry
sound – fine by me
mush – my lady