The things I thought I’d never do

Young Lindsay would have a shock

But once you become a child owner

All your life choices go to pot!

Hair dry-shampooed with regularity

All brown and white like a cow

Growing a fringe like Claudia Winkleman

To hide my wrinkle-ridden brow.

Eat numerous squirts of Colgate toothpaste

Instead of diligently brushing my teeth

Then not giving a thought to anyone

If my rancid breath really reeked.

Clean my face with bathroom wipes

Instead of using them on filthy sinks

Toss a coin between stinking all day

Or using the hubby’s Sure or Lynx.

Wear mismatched underwear without a thought

Including mahoosive granny knickers

Leave the house covered in baby sick

And Thomas the Tank Engine stickers.

Give my baby a dreadful dummy

I always hated the look

Then enjoy the feeling of utter relief

When the rugrat finally shut up.

Ignore all the midwife’s sound advice.

I used baby wipes galore.

I sang that screaming toddler to sleep

Before creeping out of the door.

Become a human Henry Hoover

And eat everything left on a plate

Turkey dinos, nuggets, fish fingers

And I wonder why I put on weight.

Running a never ending half marathon.

I mean, why did I do that?

All I did was knacker my knees

And finished the race just as fat.

Lie to the kids on a daily basis

Is something I’d never thought I’d do

“See that light blinking in the corner?”

That’s Santa Claus watching you!”

Drive to school still in my PJs

And throw the kids happily out of the door

Make a fresh cuppa once back home

Then jump back into bed once more.

Scream at my kids for doing nothing

Then let them watch far too much TV

“For the love of God, please leave me in peace.

I just want a warm cup of tea!”

Feed the kids out of date food

And pray they wouldn’t be sick

Smothering those nuggets in tomato sauce

Is what usually did the trick.

Drink far too much lemonade and vodka

The evening before a special trip

Then shower myself in upmost glory

Covering Carlisle station in my banana based sick.

The things I thought I’d never do

Young Lindsay would have a shock

But once you become a child owner

All your life choices go to pot!