Yesterday wasn’t a very good day in terms of productivity. The Krypton Factor assault course/dog walk set me up for a day of failure as all energy reserves were depleted and any so-called muscles, which I apparently possess by virtue of being a human, were pretty much on strike (although they were happy to leave the picket line if it entailed a trip to the crisp cupboard.)

I had hoped a cup of tea, drugged with four sugars, and a Cheese Mug Shot, overloaded with extra cheese. might bring me back to life. However, homeschooling in German (not in actual German. I am now limited to asking the best way to the train station or reciting all the stupid variations for ‘the’ which the Deutsch insist upon.) sent me into a semi-comatose state and the kids now know better than to try and wake me. Therefore, the only visible results from Thursday were a slight reduction in the black circles which had taken position under my eyes roughly 17 years ago.

So, today was going to be a better day. I was going to battle procrastination and win. After wasting an hour reading an article about how successfully establishing a morning routine can ensure maximum production, I was ready for action. First, I had to rehydrate my skin. Apparently this could not be done with any old liquid. So while my morning sugar laden tea was brewing, I quickly downed two glasses of water. So that was my complexion completely clear and rejuvenated. Well, I’m saying that because I’m reluctant to look in mirrors nowadays. I know exactly how the Evil Queen In Snow White feels. They don’t lie.

After my cuppa and blueberry muffin, I started the daily chore of tackling the The Magic Filling Washing Basket. As in I looked at it, shook my head in disbelief, swore under my breath then shut the door. Out of sight, out of mind.

I was once told that making your bed can change your whole outlook for the day. Some famous army general insisted on it. And I’m sure he won those major battles because he popped back upstairs first to check the linen was smooth and the cushions were straight and plumped. Slight problem in that I’d somehow found myself back in bed after breakfast and throwing obscenities at the dirty washing, so would have to remove myself once more. I had actually vacated the bed at 5am after snoring myself awake. I suppose I could have started my day of optimum output there and then, but as my new outlook is to complete tasks, I watched an unfinished episode of Green Wing instead.

My next instruction was to make a list of what I would like to achieve. I wasn’t sure whether this had to be a new list or if I added on to the one started when lockdown was announced. To be on the safe side, I made myself another cuppa and read the blog again. I still wasn’t very clear on the issue so I headed straight to see if Mr Google could help.

Merde! The next thing I knew it was lunchtime. Time for a break. Break for what I wasn’t sure; it certainly wasn’t the Guinness World Record for Housework. I’d also forgotten the other steps to this morning routine, so went back online while I ate a bag of crisps because I couldn’t be arsed making a proper lunch.

Step 3. Writing down things I’m grateful for like family, work etc. Probably best if I skipped that step after screaming blue murder at the kids yesterday for being lazy arses and doing barely any home learning. Next a workout. I opted to use the dog walk for that. As in yesterday’s. Then body care. Which reminded me that I’d forgotten to have a wash and clean my teeth. Making the bed had tired me out.

So, I was hydrated and cleanish, had exercised in the recent past and created (or added in a different colour pen) to my list, whilst having a tidy bed. I was probably good to go.

“Mam. What’s for tea?”

“I haven’t thought about that yet! Jesus. It’s only just been lunchtime.”

“It’s half five!”

“What?!!!”

I’ll just write down a list of what I need to do before tackling my other lists and try again tomorrow. Or write about how to be a perfect procrastinator. Oh, and cows do have best friends.