Dear God

Me again. Haven’t spoken in a while. Eight months ago, I asked you to sort out out Sam’s GCSE results and you delivered. 1 – 0 to you (thanks again for that). Two months ago, we chatted about you sending snow to stop OFSTED from coming. You sent OFSTED but no snow. The wrong way round, you silly billy! 1-1. (Although the ladies in suits didn’t come anywhere near me, so maybe you were helping, but I’m still taking it as a victory for me). So here’s a chance to take the lead, making it 2-1 to you. You can’t have a mere mortal beating an all-seeing, all-knowing, powerful deity can you?

So here’s my latest request. I’m sick and tired of this bloody weather. I know I’m Cumbrian and it’s in my DNA to be rained on and blown over in autumn, winter, most of spring and some days in summer, but this is incessant and now intolerable. I’m tired of wearing my husband’s work coat so I look like a tangoed train driver. I’m tired of wearing my son’s Duke of Edinburgh waterproof trousers and swishing everywhere I walk. I’m tired of wearing wellies which knacker my arches after half an hour of walking. I’m tired of wearing woolly hats which make me want to rip my scalp from my skull. I’m tired of my hands freezing because I always forget my gloves! I am tired of having a wet, muddy dog to clean and dry on a daily basis. (While we’re on speaking terms, any chance you could make Frankie scared of water and mud?)

If this weather is a form of punishment and you want us humans to build an ark, can you send me a sign and I’ll pop down to Jackson‘s timber yard and pop an order in. I can’t help with the construction but I’ll ask on Facebook if there’s any joiners free at the minute and I’ll contract out the work. If it’s because we voted for Brexit and Boris, well, fair point, we probably deserve it! But seeing as we’re stuck with him for five years and exiled from Europe, (just like the Jews were banished from Judea and those ten plagues certainly sorted Pharaoh out!), is that not punishment enough?

Well, have a think. I won’t be walking the dog again till Saturday, so no real rush.

Thanking you in advance,

Lindsay