Whoa there Boris! Hod ya horses!

You’ve got to be kidding me. What’s all this about longer school days? I’m guessing the pointless powers that be think us teachers have short working days and need to make more of an effort. I would like to tell you who I think needs to make more of an effort! Do you think adding an extra half an hour means we’ll finish at four?! Do you really think teachers trot out of school the same time as the kids and are home in time to catch the end of Escape to the Country? Well, we don’t, because walking out of the door alongside pupils would involve being with them for a few more unnecessary minutes! If we do have to make a quick escape, we make sure the coast is clear because, if we don’t, all of a sudden, that child who has refused to answer a bloody question all day, now decides they want to walk with you to the car park and engage in a deep and meaningful discussion about quantum theory.

So what do we do after the bell goes? Well the feckers can’t tidy up so, first, we add cleaning to our list of duties, retrieving enough stationery supplies to open the school’s own branch of WHSmith. Once we have a calm working environment once more, we scour books for any evidence of learning, like an archaeologist, always hopeful that the holy grail of teaching does indeed exist – that every child has achieved the learning objective. Invariably, we find the buggers haven’t understood a thing so tomorrow’s lesson plans all have to be rewritten in words of one syllable and new resources retrieved or made. So, we still haven’t left school.

Let’s put this in terms you might understand. Making us teach for an extra half an hour would be akin to you spending 30 minutes at the end of your supposedly busy day with Matt Hancock. Trying to help him correct his mistakes (like failing to order the correct PPE or organise testing on the elderly before returning to care homes). Would you like that? We all have those kids who insist they know what they’re doing then you find out hours, days, weeks later that they hadn’t had a bloody clue. Like Matt Hancock.

Now if I was still part time, I may accept this decision. Two afternoons a week of extra work is doable. It would also mean more time away from my own fruit loops which is a blessing at times. Well, all the time really. But I’m not. I got sucked back into the cult that is teaching and I’m full time, so I’ll be buggered if I get to spend more time with other people’s children who I can’t control to then go home to my own ratty, tired children who I can’t control and help them with homework which they don’t understand whilst answering messages on Teams from my own class about homework they (and their parents) don’t understand. Do you get me?

Maybe, just maybe, instead of thinking of making asymptomatic children spend longer in disease breeding buildings, you just concentrate on tackling variant Delta or whatever it’s called this week. Otherwise, at this rate, schools will be childless yet again (though that’s when schools are at their best, I admit). If you don’t sort out the basics like stopping the virus from spreading again, we’ll have Lockdown 4, I’ll end up starting another daily diary and, believe me, none of my friends want me to be clogging up their Facebook feed with all that again.

Oh, and another argument against extending the school day. Apparently there’s a breed of parents who actually like spending time with their children. Can you imagine? I’m guessing your multiple breeding of offspring is due to repeated failed attempts at making one of your own which you actually like, but some grown ups do have positive emotions about their progeniture. Anyhow, if you deprive these parentals of time with their children, they will not be happy.

And what about the actual kids? We can’t forget them in this matter, although I’ve done a good job of it so far. Do you really expect them to learn anything during an extra half an hour at the end of the day? It’s a battle just getting the buggers to stay awake until lunch! Come half past three, if they’re not allowed to whisk their phones from their pockets and start checking what kind of day their virtual friends have all had, there’ll be a riot. Come half past three they won’t be able to write legibly because their thumbs will start twitching erratically from a lack of buttons to press. Come half past three, their bodies will start having withdrawal symptoms from sweets which turn their tongues blue and their daily, nutritious meal of Maccy Ds.

Just another suggestion. Maybe look at foreign education systems which actually work before twiddling with ours. The French do alright and they have Wednesday afternoons off. Spaniards are clever people and they have three hour naps in the middle of the day. That is so me!! And don’t the Germans do flexitime? Or is it one week off, one week on? Another possibility.

And can you really trust Gavla? Are you sure this is what he meant to come up with? Or did he do two plus two and end up with 3T? Algebra not his strong point then. Or being Education Secretary.

So there we have it Boris. Plenty of compelling reasons why this latest plan isn’t such a good idea. I’m willing you to see sense. There is a first time for everything! So get yourself to the Houses of Parliament before Gavla makes a momentous speech/ says something sensible / stands up and stop this silly nonsense once and for all. Merci! Danke! Gracias! Spasibo! Obrigado! (And I didn’t need extra teaching at the end of the day to learn languages. I used Google Translate!)

And here’s all the other times you’ve ignored me but God loves a trier.

Dear Boris

Oi Boris

Ey Boris!

FFS Boris!