09:39 Lady human starts getting dressed and I get very excited. Walkies! I jump up and down on lady human. Lady human gets excited too. She jumps up and down holding her foot, shouting. Maybe she’s excited too. But then she sits down and I’m sure she calls me a stupid cat. She’s clearly deranged with excitement to go on this walk.

09:54 I need to get out of this house. Something strange is going on. Everything’s moved around and my man human is spreading white stuff on the walls. This seems to make my lady human happy. She’s never happy though when I spray brown stuff on the walls for her. Strange. Maybe she’s not a fan of darker colours.

09:56 I watch impatiently as lady human has a drink of water from the silver thing. I don’t know why she just doesn’t have some dirty water on the walk like I do.

09:57 Lady human is still drinking water. This isn’t going to end well. She can’t handle her drink like me. She’s gonna end up doing one of those wee waddles on the walk. Why she doesn’t just find a tree and cock her leg like me, I don’t know.

10:01 I can’t contain my excitement and do my usual three 360° degree turns at the garden gate. Lady human laughs at me. Maybe I should stamp on her foot again. Or laugh at her when she starts her wee waddle.

10:16 Lady human laughs at me again as I back up into a bush to make a deposit. I can see us falling out on this walk.

10:17 And so begins her wee waddle!

10:22 I find the bestest, biggest stick ever! Lady human doesn’t seem to agree. She keeps jumping out of the way when I run past her and calling me sick, or something like that. I’m not sick. I’m feeling absolutely brilliant.

10:26 I watch as lady human sticks some white things in her ears and starts singing. Badly. And loudly. It’s almost like she doesn’t want to hear me bark constantly at her to throw my super duper stick.

10:28 Lady human looks hot and bothered. Why she doesn’t come in the water I don’t know. So I help her out by spraying her with some of my water. She throws a stick a bit too close to me for my liking. But not my new favourite stick.

10:31 I charge past lady human again with my extra long stick. She calls me sick again. The sun is clearly making her deranged.

10:36 Lady human must like my stick now because she picks it up as we go to cross a river. Except she keeps putting it in the water and leaning on it as she walks. She doesn’t look happy when I try to wrestle it off her in the middle of the water.

10:42 I decide to walk myself on the opposite side of the river. I don’t think we’re speaking. We’re doing that social distance thing. I’m keeping her legs safe from my very long stick.

10:49 Lady human is chuntering about there being too many humans out and about today so she can’t sing out loud. That’s a blessing if you ask me.

11:01 I’ve figured out what the problem is. Lady human wasn’t any good at PE. Anyway, I think that’s why she keeps throwing my stick into some bushes but I keep finding it. I get bored of this game and take myself off for a wander.

11:23 A cocker spaniel attempts to play with me. Two metres pal. Two metres thank you.

12:05 I find my extra long stick on the way back. I’m so happy. Lady human tells me not to duck and dare. Or something like that.

12:23 I refuse to get out of the boot when we arrive home. I know she’s gonna put that drying onesie on me. I mean, black with white paw prints. How degrading. Navy blue with burgundy edging would have been so much better.