(Although nobody actually has it.)

08.52 Lindsay can’t believe how windy it is. And how sad it is that she’s excited by all the drying she’ll get done.

10:33 Lindsay misjudges her location as she stands up with wet washing and is clouted by the whirly-girly. It’s gonna be one of those days. Which sadist named something so deadly with such an innocent, playful name?

11.30 Lindsay has a shock as the bathroom door opens. It must be a ghost instead of a child because it’s before midday. The ghost of normality past.

11:34 Lindsay is beyond excited as she finally locates fence paint locally. (Although her joy is immediately tempered with disappointment that she won’t be sending Ian on a wild goose chase to every hardware store near the M6 when he’s at work next week).

11:46 Lindsay makes a prediction that Sam won’t get dressed today. Not that he’s being his usual, lazier-in-lockdown self. It’s just that he’s got no clean underpants.

11:53 A feeling of dread suddenly hits Lindsay. Joel is awake and on the move.

12:31 Lindsay has to go and retrieve Ian and Frankie. She parks in a disabled bay. She decides it’s justified as she is picking up chocolate back.

12:45 Lindsay hates driving over the humpback bridge. She’s never figured out how to use the horn. So she waves instead and hopes any oncoming drivers have x-ray vision.

13:03 Lindsay thinks back to week 1 of lockdown when there was a well organised meal schedule in place. Now, in week 7, it’s each man for themselves as everyone scavenges for sustenance.

13:05 Lindsay’s kitchen is telling her what to do with a multitude of annoying beeps. The washing is finished, the food is cooked, the fridge has been left open. It’s like the designers knew she was feckless when they were planning it.

13:42 Lindsay reminds herself to check Sam to see if he has a hump. Because given those five minute wees he has each day, she reckons she’s given birth to a camel.

15:10 Joel asks how long Lindsay will be on the computer.

“You can have it now. Is it for schoolwork?”

“No. I’ve want to switch it off so my Xbox doesn’t lag.”

15:12 Joel wants last night’s pizza for lunch but he can’t find it.

“ Ian! Where’s Joel’s pizza?”

“In my stomach.”

16:44 Lindsay acknowledges that’s Joel’s daily hygiene has improved during lockdown. Except his teeth brushing routine. She reckons he’s maintaining his halitosis to use is as a social distancing mechanism.

16:54 Joel finds Lindsay in the bathroom with her hands down the toilet, cleaning.

“What ya doing?”

“Fishing.”

He accepts her answer and walks out.

16:55 Lindsay pops downstairs.

“Are my waffles cooked mam?”

Lindsay prods them, forgetting where her hands have just been. Nobody will ever have Corona in this house. It’ll be Lindsay’s hygiene that’s sees them off first.

17:16 Sam, as predicted, emerges only half dressed on the hunt for some underpants.

“They’re on the whirly-girly.”

“The what?”

“The whirly-girly.”

“They’re in the washer?”

“No.”

“The dryer?”

“No. The whirly-girly.”

Joel walks in.

“What’s the matter?”

“Sam’s looking for his underpants on the whirly-girly.”

“The what?”

Lindsay goes off to google ‘whirly-girly’ and does not find a single picture of a rotary airer. She’s been lied to her entire life.

18:01 Lindsay realises she had better be organised and get her blog sorted before Boris speaks. Although her whirly-girly craic might be more revealing than anything he has to say.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 53