(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:16 Lindsay can’t understand why her jeans still don’t fit. She’s been walking four miles a day. Then eating ten packets of crisps.

08:21 Lindsay decides she needs to stop wasting time on Candy Crush. So she instead downloads a game of sorting coloured ping pong balls into test tubes.

08:39 Lindsay’s daily mission to wind up Rory the dog by walking past his window is foiled because Rory’s already out. Her morning is ruined.

09:15 Lindsay offers Chocolate Back Ian a long stick as he’s struggling on the walk.

“I’m not f%#£*ing Gandalf!”

“Well you’ve the body of a 2,019 year old withered wizard!” (Lindsay’s Googled that information).

10:11 Lindsay attempts psychokinesis. Not for the first time, she’s tries to inflict physical harm on Ian with her mind. She is foiled and he crosses the river successfully.

10:13 Lindsay falls flat on her arse, crossing the river. She may have some wires crossed in her brain.

11:00 No one has presented themselves for homeschooling. Lindsay unauthorises their absences. Joel’s excuse that he didn’t like anything on the lunch menu is not accepted.

11:14 Lindsay grows a pair and announces she’s going to B&M for non-essential paint.

11:15 Ian loses his pair and says he’ll pop to Morrison’s for some lettuce.

11:46 Lindsay is gobsmacked that people can’t gauge 2 metres. Next time she comes shopping, she’s gonna hammer some nails into a metre stick, fetch it into town and whack stupid people with it. Maybe then, they’ll remember. Lindsay then wonders if she could use it as a teaching tool.

12:01 Lindsay sees a man with a face mask covering his forehead. She’s not sure he’s grasped the science of this pandemic.

15:30 The school day is over. Abigail has learnt to twine for longer periods, Joel has consolidated his knowledge of digital time by using the microwave to cook a ready meal and Sam has slept through all 7 lessons.

16:05 Lindsay receives a delightful message from Ian saying he’ll be late home because his train can’t leave till 19:30. So it turns out those signal box operatives could be bribed. With Ian’s money.

18:12 Lindsay has spent the day admiring the bank account. Once lockdown is over, she knows she’ll never see the like again!

18:20 Joel has a man look in the cupboard for Vimto. There’s none to be found!

18:21 Lindsay locates the Vimto in 3 seconds. And she finds vodka!!

Read what happened yesterday on Day 28