(Though nobody actually has it.)
08:15 Day 15. Day 15?! Lindsay wonders why her house doesn’t look a pristine palace and smell of freshly baked bread?
09:12 Lindsay tells Frankie there’ll be no walkies today. Then screams April Fool. He’s not impressed. She’s not funny. Plus she just sounds like the teacher off Charlie Brown.
09:13 Lindsay wakes Joel and says she wants him to come on the dog walk. She wants to spend time with her schmoo. After five minutes, she screams April Fool. Joel is as unimpressed as Frankie.
09:32 Frankie is fed up of waiting to go out. Five minutes he’s been watching Lindsay trying to pull those stupid skinny jeans over her enlarged derrière. She should just give up.
09:38 The sun finally comes out so Lindsay sets off with the dog.
09:39 It starts to rain.
God: April Fool!!
09:37 Lindsay and Frankie pass a house called Field View which has no views of fields. It was obviously named before the Highlands estate invaded their back garden and a mansion was built opposite. She’s thankful now they never called theirs ‘Harmony’ back in 2003. Shouldn’t rush into these things.
10:16 Ian phones Lindsay to say he has to drive a car to Carlisle, then fetch a different one back to Sellafield. Lindsay always thought Ian was a train driver.
10:17 Lindsay looks at the footprints in the mud and wonders which stupid fool came this route. They are Lindsay’s footprints from yesterday.
10:23 Frankie is now bored of collecting javelin-like sticks to hit Lindsay’s legs with. He now prefers to collect shot-put size stones and drop them on her toes.
10:24 Lindsay thinks Frankie is actually a member of some canine terrorist organisation and has been sent to torture her for these lead walks.
10:26 Lindsay takes a wrong turn. Into a swamp.
10:31-10:36 Lindsay is in danger of going over her daily exercise limit as she stands by the side of the road so Frankie can smell and savour the delicate aroma of dog piss.
11:57 Lindsay announces she’s going on strike.
“What from? Playing Candy Crush and drinking tea?!”
Lindsay will have to choose a new favourite child.
13:12 Lindsay looks for cheese but can only find blocks of cheddar. She’s going to have to grate her own cheese. She’s not sure how much more she can take of this.
14:12 Lindsay is suffering from trapped wind. Ian is suffering because Lindsay is suffering. Lindsay thinks she is allergic to blocked cheese. She never has this when it’s grated.
16:45 Ian eats some homemade cake too quickly and starts choking. Only Joel rushes to help.
“Have you got Corona, Dad?”
“No Joel, just cake”
Joel looks more confused than normal.
18:57 Sam is moaning to Lindsay because he has to take Frankie for a walk.
“Why can’t Joel take him?”
“Because Frankie’s too strong for Joel. Frankie would drag him off and they might never come back…..On second thoughts……Joel !!! Come and take Frankie for a walk!”
Read what happened yesterday on Day 14