So what would l like to happen tomorrow?

1. For that imaginary alarm clock, which likes to rouse me at random times ranging from 3am to 5am, to stay silent. I spent years willing my children to stay in their own beds. When they didn’t, I would drag them into mine in the hope that lying next to me would instantly lull them back to sleep and give me an extra hour. No chance. My duvet needed to be transformed into a camp. My body became a human climbing frame. My nostrils were holes which needed to be plugged. Now that they have become so attached to their beds to the extent they have to be forcibly removed, I can no longer sleep. Sleepless nights have metamorphosed into insomnia. So a peaceful, restful, longish sleep would be appreciated.

2. Having spent today cleaning like a crazy woman so that I don’t have to do anything tomorrow, I would like the house to stay in this unfamiliar, pristine condition for longer than an hour. I would like dirty dishes to make it into the dishwasher, not just somewhere in its vicinity. I would like empty toilet rolls to make their way into a bin instead of forming some little gathering on the bathroom floor. I would like the dog to stay on a dry, cleanish path instead of making his way into any form of mud he can find. So basically I’ve no chance.

3. I would like to watch some TV or read a book in peace. My children have the peculiar habit of ignoring me and speaking to their friends in the confines of their room until their sixth sense detects that I have sat down with a cup of tea with the intention of having a moment to myself. They then descend en masse to ask me a range of pointless questions ( there is such a thing as a stupid question), make needless comments and generally spoil my albeit brief episode of tranquility. And what happens when my programme finishes? They vanish into bloody thin air!!

I don’t think I’m asking for much. I don’t need any money spent on me. Chocolate and I have never really got on. Alcohol and I haven’t been friends for a long time. Sitting in a room long enough to admire a bouquet of flowers just doesn’t happen. So sleep, tidiness and peace is all I require. Oh, I’ve run out of perfume kids. Kids?! Kids? Is anyone there?!